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03 July 2014 @ 04:06 pm
From now all posts will only be viewed by friends.  You wanna read it friend me, or you can always go fuck yourself.
03 September 2012 @ 01:19 am

Don't know why.  Just trying new things.  I don't care who watches who follows who reads who doesn't.  It's not for you, though you are free to look.  I am transparent, I hide nothing, I dig deep and keep going til I reach something that makes me either uncomfortable or wildly excited sometimes finding its way here and for this reason I feel my words are worth anyone's time.... its a service to humanity and I feel that far too few are willing to do the same.
23 June 2012 @ 03:28 pm
I forgot i even had this.  I think i'm gunna get back into it.  I kinda wanna see if anyone is still even watching this account.  If people still regularly post on this site or what !!!  I remember the way i was all over the place on the computer messing w/ this and that i've forgotten so much of what i have posted.  So many things all over the places.  I sometimes forget how big this thing has become how many of us are online and how scattered off into oblivion we all are.  OH well let's' see.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
14 May 2010 @ 01:17 am
Well its been about a month and a 1/2 now and i'm back from rehab (again) u____u Anyone who knows my past or knows me probably thinks i'm dead but those closest need to know that i'm okay and i haven't really had access to a computer except for right now but this is the only time that i have had to post and the only timn recently that i have been near a computer so i'm just letting people know that i'm okay well and healthy so here ya go for all of those out there that are reading this right now.  I haven't poset in close to a year again my life is just so crazy i keep meaning too but till i get my laptop back i don't how well that is going to pan out.  I'm back at my 3 quater house for all those who care and i'm hoping to attend Anthrocon if i can get away w/ it this year.
27 September 2009 @ 10:36 pm
It's the year 2000 ... I am 14 years old.  I don't like anyone at my school.  I don't like kids my age.  I talk to few of them, yet i do not keep to myself.  I tell them that they are lemmings.  I tell them that they all wear Aeropostale and Abercrombie and fitch b/c they are dull.  I tell them they are scared to express themselves with anything they like or are interested in if they are interested in anything at all. 

I feel they do not have any dreams that they are shadows and i am forced to walk amongst them.  I know in my heart their eyes are closed they relish in childish things this enrages me.  I feel as though i am sorounded by sleeping people in a fog, no ambition, no insight, no pulse.

The summer comes and goes spending warm sunny days in doors i am frustrated.  I feel my body blossoming sexually.  I do not know what to do, i have spent the last 2 years in my new school hating everyone and people in general.  There are nights i fill up with emotion but am granted no reprive.

The new school year goes fast it's November already.  One night while laying in bed i am going through the channels and i happen to pass by MTV.  Normally i hate this channel b/c they don't play music videos and if they do it is purely rap.  I know it is what my school mates watch so i refuse to watch it for the most part.

I do not not block it b/c i know i stay up way later than any of them can.  My entire life has been plagued w/ sleeping problems.  I find it interesting that Tv stations will play gems and rare shows late at night midnight to 3am before the infomercials start.

I catch the last half hour of a show called Sex-2-k-2 and they are talking about furry.  My eyes widen and i instantly begin recording the program.  My whole life i have been attracted to what i consider underground and anything but mainstream.  A program like this on at 2:43am has my full attention.

One of the first things i hear is yiffing i see two mascoted bodies one has mounted the other on a leather chair and they are fiercly rubbing upon each other.  My mouth is dry my eyes are wide open.  To me this makes sense.  It is simple... they feel the way i feel.  That is the connection more will be made soon.

Unbeknownst to me at this time as i sit quietly in my bed this will soon become a big part of my future and secret life to be.  I continue to watch inbetween their explanation of what is going on at these "conventions" drawings are posted.  They are of animals.  They are anthropromorphic.  My body is going wild, my mind is racing.

It is soon explained, that some if not most of the "fursuiters" are males.  This takes whole moments to process.  This thought has never entered my mind.  The word gay is not yet apart of my vocabulary.  It is then explained that the drawings are mostly male on male even the female drawings are sometimes males in drag yet they are animals.

I think to myself that had this been real men and not drawings i would be repulsed.  Then i see an interview with a young man.  He is explaining how he and his boyfriend are both fursuiters and enjoy mascoting together.  This concept and all that comes with it leaves me speechless.  For the first time in my life i realize that i may not be alone.  I'm not the only one out there who is strange, and i'm not the only one willing to explore it.

I wake up the next day.  The show is over.  The bus stop awaits.  The robots are gathering.  I am alone.
Current Mood: indescribablereflective
26 September 2009 @ 10:28 pm
I'm involved in a pretty large scale operation.  Things haven't gone according to plan this week.  I feel it is this minor inconvience that has led me to spend that which is soley for a greater purpose.  I have food there should be no reason to go out to eat.  Perhaps i needed out of that room.  I can isolate w/ the best of them. 

The thing about being alone is once you have set yourself into this gear it is hard to be taken out of it.  For me once i have reserved myself to this state, i'd rather not be bothered.  I wear my headphones alot.  Sometimes listening to the same thing over and over. 

I believe and know that at times like this that it helps to keep my thinking linear and less subjective to fracturing it helps maintain the focus.  I need the focus for what must be done.  From this point there is truly no looking back.  I cannot afford another mishap. 

No longer the naive child who thought it couldn't happen to him.  Who thought he'd get his way with minimum effort applied and easy roads exploited and often traveled.  I know now nothing worth having is ever easy to acquire and requires more of you than you have to offer.

You must dig deep to find the strength to make it another day.  The struggle cannot afford laziness, or selfish wants and desires to get in the way of what is needed.  Only fragments of that old life lay scattered about here and there.  God so much has changed.  The one i love the most is counting on me.  I won't let him down.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
26 September 2009 @ 12:27 am
I can't believe ... two years almost to the day.  God so much has happened in that time.  I've changed so much.  Well I wonder... i've been gone for so long and so much has happened what is the point to post here?  What brought me here?  From the hell of these past two years i have changed. 

My eyes are open and i'm left shaking my head.  I can't even bring myself to read my old entries.  They were were written by a different man.  I hated everything i was becoming and felt powerless to stop it.  I get shivers just thinking of it.  To all who remember my name, i'm still alive i don't know how.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
24 September 2007 @ 03:06 pm

My hatin music.
05 September 2007 @ 03:56 pm
 So i'm in a really good mood today school is going well i just got done studying for a long bit and i did some quick drawings.  There not anything special their just saturated in cuteness so i like them alot lol.  I'll post'em cuz it's the bunny thing to do.  I'm gunna try to make another post later tonight i wanna take some pics of some stuff talk about other stuff and what not. 

           oh my lol
Current Mood: goodgood
30 August 2007 @ 10:02 pm

Forget the video its retarded just let the words do their thing......

So i haven't updated in a while it's hard to explain but i guess i should try and do my best.  I drive around everyday to and from school, to and from work and think about things i want to write.  Not just write though but say what i wanna say to accurately capture the mood that i'm in.  It can't really go that way though, just too much bullshit goin on to much reality and so i whind up writting about things that are safe like school or work but not so much the other parts of my life.  Like i said its hard to explain and in my head i feel like anything i tell anyone is just ammo they could use against me. 

Being burned by so many people in my life has just left me so defensive in everyway i'm not mean and i'm not an asshole or anything i just don't let people in.  I think back, i look for reasons why i'm like this and it all makes sense the lies the backstabbing all the bullshit like a puzzle piece that shows a picture of who i am comes into focus.  Teaching yourself to trust no-one is a blessing and a curse in the same breath. 

There is so much on my mind, so much i would like to talk about and discuss w/ someone else to see how my decision making would be affected by a 2nd opinion.  There in lies a problem though telling another person what i think might give them an oppurtunity to see how i work and put things together and that is not  gunna happen .  Secondly, fuck physchologists to me they're just people who wanted to know themselves better and so they read all these books on dimensions of personality, emotional stability and childhood bullshit and so now that they understand themselves better they're all of a sudden blessed w/ sage like wisdom to tell everyone else what their problems are fuckin whatever.

Well i have the books all they do is sharpen your perception tell you shit you already knew, it's just starin you plane in the face.  A dork is a dork and they break down in all sorts a ways but most commonly you'll find it begins w/ lacking social skills, or having little to no confidence in certain key areas.  No desire to lift or exercise grow stronger but yet they always bitch or get down on themselves about their bodies no effort to shave up that peach fuzz stuble lettin it run amuck like fuckin ball hair on your face.  

No desire to change their diet to help their bad skin, no want or push to look nice just throw some shit together and there ya go an outfit is born, but wait everyone else is the asshole cuz you can't open ur fuckin eyes to see why your NOT gettin laid.  A perfect is as always a narsassitic shallow bitch who easily sucumbs to peer pressure and has for whatever reason an incredibly low tolerance for negative remarks as if they were said by god himself.  Crying and carrying on little rich bitch jokes who can only start shedding mascara tears when the absolut's kicked or when they walk outside only to be reminded their bmw'z red instead of black like daddy promised it would be. 

I know i'm hatin hard, and things can get rough when ur mind turns that high powered perception on itself and when you look in the mirror your judge and jury are passin sentence.  When i'm having a hard time w/ all that shit i think back on good memories now more than ever since school has started.  Events like AC it's good times and stuff like furry that keep me balanced.  Meeting me in person i don't really fit the furry template.  Furry for me is totally different than from any other person i think a bold statement but when i'm conin it up i can kinda just ... well leave all my macho bullshit baggage @ the door and let my defenses down w/out worry.

Every fur is about having a good time and that is an enjoyable energy that i feel proud to be apart of.  Even writting this right now at this very moment i want to come apart and speak about what's really been going on here.  I don't like morbid shit and i don't like emo posts.  I don't enjoy writting negatively and i don't apprecitate someone in a pissy mood bitching and complaining drone-ing on and on w/out a core message or something you can at least take away from their post.

I guess b/c i hate these things so much is the other reason i haven't been posting like i should have.  Can't write about good stuff if its not happening ya know?  I'm not a glass is half empty or half full kinda guy, i'm the guy who told the bartender to leave the bottle so it's up to me how full or empty my glass is.  I try to see the good in everything cuz i think if you hold your head up and plow through this shit like a man you become a stronger person.  I know that's vague when the issues aren't on the table to discuss, and i wish i could lay out my thoughts and run you through my feelings on'em but it's just not in the cards.

Maybe someday guys....


Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable